Introducing...

My daughter Brenna is 5.  She is nonverbal and has classic Autism.  The only person in my life that has conquered my stubbornness and patience issues.  She's forever changed me, for the better!
My daughter, Kaylee, is a 7 year old going on 30.  Independent, spirited, and displays signs of opposition defiant disorder aka stubborn.  :)  One day she will be a lawyer.  Trust me.  It's her calling.
My son Dylan is 11 and is a genius waiting for the right moment in time to be a part of something big or make something big happen.  He is extremely bright.
My son Austin is a sensitive 13 year old who battles bi-polar disorder and adhd and does everything in his power to fit in and not get bullied.
My husband is a hard working man who is my go to source for venting my frustrations.  He is an amazing father and my soft place to fall on when the day is too much for me.
I am a stay at home mom in my 30's trying to make sense of the world and of our life.  My goal is to take the pieces of us and arrange them to where they make sense.  I am strong, weak, honest, scared, hopeful, and I can be a royal pain in the butt.  

Together we are a tight knit and strong family.  Like a well oiled machine we are there for one another 100 percent.  We also break down and need each other to help with repairs.  Each of us represents something different and we fit together like a puzzle.  Apart we are nothing.  Put together we are something beautiful and at times tragic.  It's a sight to behold!!

Thursday

Thursday.  The one day out of the week that my other daughter, Kaylee, wants my full and undivided attention for just one hour for dance.  Of course she asks for more than that one hour a week but sadly she knows the answer.  My son, Austin, has tennis.  My other son, Dylan, has nothing going on right now(bless him)but because Austin has tennis he and my husband don't get home until after I have left for dance.  So what's the problem?  I have to take Brenna with me and because it's too loud and crowded and not part of her normal routine I have to sit with her in the van...while she screams...for an hour.  Kaylee doesn't get to see her momma wave proudly as she walks from one studio to the other when they switch like all of the other girls do.  I'm not in there to watch her through the blinds.  I'm not there to pop in right when the class is ending to see what they have learned for the day.  Now, Kaylee is my little independent child who rarely needs anyone's help or approval.  As much as this causes friction between us it is also a blessing when it comes to certain things.  She is not clingy and can very much take care of herself in a basic capacity at the tender age of 7 if need be.  I know deep down though that this bothers her.  

It bothers me as well.

I can't give her one hour.  This is not okay.  She deserves an hour a week for it to be all about her.  Something has got to give.

Autism Awareness

This month, April, is autism awareness month.  I try every year to get excited about getting the word out.  I want everyone to know all about it.  The good, the bad, the struggles, the triumphs.  Well...what good is that doing us?  I mean, c'mon, why does everyone need to be aware of just how hard and difficult this journey is?  Strangers don't care.  They have their own problems.  Maybe I should turn my focus onto more important things.  Nope, there is nothing more important in my life right now.  So I'm left sitting here with no direction.  I don't even have my family on board.  My husband and our other three kids get it.  No one else does.  What I seem to get is pity.  I don't want pity, I want action.  I want help and understanding.  I want her quality of life to be better because she is surrounded by a family who will do anything for her.

We don't have that.  

We face this alone.  

I can't blame anyone for that.  We live in a world where everyone is focused on themselves and their own personal problems/agendas.  They don't live it so how can they be anything more than compassionate?  Maybe I should be focusing my efforts on ME.  Learning new ways and techniques to making her life better.  Our lives better.   Potty training would be wonderful.  Verbalizing would be a miracle.  Tackling meltdowns with a more positive attitude, less frustration, these are all things I can be doing on my own with no ones help.  But at the end of the day I'm just a lump.  A lifeless lump with no direction.  There is no manual or how to book for autism.  I will have to just weave my way through this journey with the best intentions and hope I can crack the code.