My brother decided to discuss life with Dylan last night. He asked him what his plans were. Dylan said that whatever he did he had to be successful because "if something happens to mom and dad I'm taking Brenna in." I can't describe how heavy that is. A 13 year old. That is a lot of weight for him to carry. A lot of pressure. For him to have made that decision at such a young age... One of the worst things about Autism is what it does to the siblings. It steals their childhood and innocence. It really does. They have to grow up so quickly. I am incredibly proud of him. I also feel guilty. I want him to have a life outside of Autism at some point. At the very least have moments outside of Autism. He's been in the middle of it since the day he was born because when Austin was little he self injured and had meltdowns.
Dylan shares a special bond with Brenna. When I'm overwhelmed it is he who swoops in and takes over. He can calm her quickly. He thinks it's because they share a birthday. I think it's so much more. I just hope that he does his best to make an attempt at a normal life as much as possible. And I hope he can find a life partner that will join him willingly in his fight to keep his sister out of a home IF something should ever happen to Brian and I and of course refrain from vaccinating any future grandchildren that may come along. That's a whole different post for another day.
These are all things none of us should have to think about and plan for. Dylan should be spending his time playing video games and chasing after girls or whatever it is normal 13 yr old boys do. Even though I'm shining a spotlight on Dyl right now I wanted to point out that all of the kids share in caring for Brenna. Without their help I would be defeated. I'm confident that they would all help each other out with every aspect of life after I'm long gone. It brings me peace. No regrets having four children at such a young age :) None. In the meantime it is my job, no, my mission to do everything in my power to change Brenna's stars. Not just for her but for the other three. Nevermind my struggles it is their load I need to focus on lightening.
I sing the Simon and Garfunkel song
''Bridge Over Troubled Water'' most nights(or days)as I lay next to Brenna. She's always loved music and my singing calms her and helps her to relax so she can turn the brain off and fall asleep. When I sing it, it's a testimony of my commitment to being there for her no matter the cost. Not just as a mom but as an advocate and friend, yes I said friend. People with Autism rarely have friends and I believe to be the best I can for Brenna I need to be well rounded and there for her in any capacity she needs. When the time comes and I have to pass the torch on to Dylan I hope he will embrace the same mentality. If his character today is any testament to how his character will be in the future, I do not think I have anything to worry about.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water"
When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
